Review my Sales Letter Please :)
Author: tvwriterguy
Posted: Jun 19, 2006
SolomonZhang wrote: Uh… Is my English in the sales letter so bad? No offense solomon.
First I want to say that for a second language, you’re quite good at it. But IMO if you’re writing effectively in english, you must sound like it’s your first language. As for whether or not the letter you swiped was improper, I don’t know. I didn’t read it.
There are telltale things in your writing that give you away. Usually they are little things that in conversation would not be caught, but in the written word, are.
Examples:
“In fact, my target market is the US and Europe people. ”
Should be something like ‘my target market is people in the US and Europe.” You wouldn’t call people from europe “europe people.” They’re european people, or just “europeans.”
“searching the cheapest web hosting.” Should be “searching for the cheapest web hosting”
“”You guys are getting in my nerve” should be “getting on my nerves.”
“Did they give you the bull’s eye answer” is not something I’ve ever heard an native english speaker say. So in this case it’s not the words as much as the phrase isn’t one we would say.
There are many more little things like this throughout.
“Don’t you love taking the day off relaxing yourself in a beach?” The word “yourself” isn’t needed, and you would relax on a beach, not in a beach.
“Millions of people rake money in online business” Should be rake in money online… or rake in money with online businesses, or something like that.
So as I said… your english is quite good for a second language, but to convince Americans (for example) to lay out money for your product, I think your english needs to sound like we wrote it.
I hope I’m not being too harsh.
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